Brain or Kidneys: A love story

Kind of a weird title to describe the two front battle I have every day with my life. The daily battle the last year and a half is keeping my kidneys and liver in proper working order. A lot of that has to do with keeping my head straight. Which is really my original problem.

A popular morning radio host came back today after 5 months of leave from a Traumatic Brain Injury he suffered in a car accident. I had to listen to this in private because even after so many years, my own brain injuries plague me daily. Everyone's TBI is different, some are lucky, others not. A bop on the head kills one person, and I was supposed to be a retarded 9 year old the rest of my life with a funny gait to my walk. Here I am.

Listening to people who are back from TBI is very moving to me. I remember it so clearly. Even with all the accomplishments I have had in my life, I think when I am most honest with myself is when I first proclaim I am a head injury victim. Even when I speak with command and authority in front of an audience of people, like I did today at a large meeting, in my mind I still hear my voice as a halting, hesitating, word altering, forgetful head injury person. So to hear that voice come back to me, on the radio today, or in passing in daily life, it affects me.

Not much causes me fear. But I am frightened to....of another head injury. The last one in October 2007 was a nothing hit and it took 3 months to get my life back on track. I have been constantly told that the more you have, the easier they become. I've had 13 open and closed head injuries. Am I on borrowed time?

Mistress is rightfully concerned about the kidney stuff and my solo training style but when it comes to my brain, she is defiant. I get no leeway here. She dreads the call that comes telling her I hit my head. And she's got a few of those in our time. So when it comes to protecting whatever gum and duct tape keeps my brain going, she is very concerned.

God. Its just so hard to even write this stuff. Why am I even going to post it? I am so full of conflicting emotions and thoughts. Half the time when I look in the mirror I feel like I am looking back at someone else. I see a positive, happy person on the outside with a smirk and easy laugh. On the inside I see a glassy eyed, open faced, shy, don't want to say anything because it won't come out right, guy whose gotten really lucky in life.

My kidneys and my body will eventually heal enough for a normal life if not a common one. My brain will never be right. I wish this radio host a good recovery. It takes a lot of balls to do what he is doing on the air. I am sure even now, I will learn something.

There's treasure everywhere.

A sad tale of Closed Head Injury

Noted actress Natasha Richardson, is being listed as brain dead after suffering a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) while taking private ski lessons in Canada. The TBI occurred after a simple fall at the bottom of a beginning ski slope, where the actress hit no person or object. She was not wearing a helmet.

She is the wife of Liam Neeson and daughter of Vanessa Redgrave.

The instructor witnessed the fall and arrived at her side in seconds. She remarked she felt fine, but the instructor and two ski patrolman followed strict guidelines and escorted the actress to the lodge and stressed medical attention. After staying with her for an hour, the actress complained of headaches and was rushed to a nearby hospital.

While the accident is different, the next few hours played out almost exactly as my Closed Head Injury (CHI). Far too often these start out so similar. I was fine after my accident and several hours later after complete normalacy I began having headaches, then seizures, then woke up and lost a whole life of memory's to amnesia.

Now two decades and a dozen more Traumatic Brain Injurys (TBI) later, all concussions, I read these stories and just know that God has a plan for my life. With all that I have been through, dare I say survived, between multiple head injury's, multiple heat strokes, kidney failure, liver failure; and not to forget my adventurous activities, I am one damn lucky dude.

So yes, I may get some odd looks because I use a super cool, kick ass helmet for odd activities, in my case any activity I could fall, but its a life insurance policy for me. Fashion be damned. Hell I own more spandex tights than running shorts. It can't be worse than that.

But my heart does go out to the family of this actress and I truly hope that the reports are wrong and she makes a miraculous recovery.

UPDATE 3/18/09 @ 1900 HRS.: Natasha Richardson has passed away due to a Traumatic Brain Injury suffered during what appeared to have been an unspectacular fall on a beginner ski slope. A tragic ending and accident. The affects of even the most mundane hit to the head cannot be dismissed or excused. Always error on the side of caution and after a hit to the head, PREPARE for medical attention before it becomes an emergency.

A selfish blessing

I heard on the radio that 16 year old Jett Travolta, son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston died after hitting his head in a bathtub on Friday. So far it is considered an accident though he did have a secondary condition he dealt with that concerned his arteries and perhaps that came into play.

Every time I hear of a life taken before it even begins it makes my heart ache. Part of that today is the selfish guilt inside me that says, "It should have been you that died that day as well." Its moments like these were I looked at my wife and when I told her about the Travolta tragedy I said, "I was 16, I hit my head, I shouldn't be who I am today. I have a family and career. I could have died too."

I spent time after my miraculous recovery helping grieving family's whose siblings had suffered from an aneurism or TBI, when the family couldn't understand the process or the pain that the victim was going through. Conversely I was a person who the victim could see as someone who had been were they are and could give voice to what they could not express.

I feel really bad for the Travolta family. But it makes me appreciate my recovery even more. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. But I'd take feeling bad than not being able to express feeling bad, any day.

There's treasure everywhere.

A New Shiny Thing: helmet

Its the return of Shiny Thing segments. For the uninitiated, Shiny Things are usually very cool objects, though not necessarily shiny. (Though if you think about it most shiny things are pretty cool). They can be expensive or not. Shiny is a figurative frame for getting something you want or didn't want but you got it anyway because its cool to you.

I finally found a helmet for "non-biking" activity. For those unfamiliar as to why I would need a helmet for activities other than cycling please click the 'TBI' link below and read up on my unusual life of head injury's. I chose the Pro Tec Ace Freestyle SXP.

I had certain demands when making my decision. It needed to obviously protect my head from the knocks that will give me yet another concussion. It needed to have a classic, multi use look as opposed to a specific shape like a helmet. Lastly, due to my location, it needed to be well ventilated.

Pro Tec has mass popularity in groups that demand head protection like skaters, BMX'ers and special operation military units. They are light weight, take a beating and depending on the model is quite well ventilated. When I worked in urban combat scenarios in the 1990's we used this type of helmet or a hockey helmet. Neither of them had any ballistic protection, but the opportunity for injury was greater from hitting or falling down something in a busted up building.

There are helmets on the market that are more and less expensive than Pro Tec models. The deciding factor for me on this particular helmet is two fold. First it is CPSC which means it is fully complaint as a cycling helmet. Second it uses a new technology inside called SXP, which allows for multi impacts without decrease in protection. I hope to never put this technology to the test but if I do, its nice to think that the helmet may be stronger than just a basic model.

Some other positive considerations; the helmet is molded for goggles. There are a dozen vent holes on the front, back and top which will help in desert climates. Each helmet fits a bit differently so I do suggest that if anyone is looking for a multi sport helmet they try several models. The 'water' models have a liner that allows the helmet to float and provide ear protection. Some models use an additional strap that attaches around the throat to provide additional connectivity to your head.

What will I use this helmet for? Good question. Right now watching tv and yard work. Just kidding. Actually I will use this for quite a lot. I sometimes pretend to water ski, each time I fall pretty hard. For Mexican vacations I like to use ATV's and a personal helmet is better piece of mind than a rental. Mistress would like to take me horseback riding at some point. I have a full suspension mountain bike and would rather use this helmet than my over priced tri-helmet. When I do desert runs, I have been known to boulder and having this in my pack would be a benefit. I am invited to 4-wheel a few times per year and there is the potential to hit the head when being rocked inside a vehicle. I owe Bolder a trip to his town and I am sure he will try to get me to snow ski if its next winter.

In the end, this will give both Mistress and I peace of mind and that is worth a lot. I don't mind the looks I may get looking out of place. But its worth it.

A glimpse?

Mistress was asked to meet with an elderly woman at her work, she is an administrator at one of our clubs. The woman was confused and emotional. She had found that she had been billed by our company and had paperwork from us with her signature, but no recollection of ever being there. The manager was called over because he was the one who had initially worked with her. As it turns out this woman has alzheimer's and didn't remember a thing about him or what she had done. Of course the two felt extremely sorry for this poor woman and completely absolved her of all responsibility.The tears in her eyes when she left where different than the tears she had when arriving.

After this powerful moment, Mistress had to get out and go for a walk. She called me. She is resigned that this scenario will be replayed in our future many times. I already have a history of this behavior during my amnesia and memory issues after my accident. My mom had to cope with me every morning and throughout the day, for months, asking who she was, where I was, what I was doing. I think it helped her to cope with her own parents eventual dementia and alzheimer's issues. Gee, not only have I put myself in this position with my head injuries but its genetic too. Great for me.

It sad to think my wife believes I will forget her in our old age and is resigned to that. A lesser wife would do the math and bail out. My most recent episodes of 'sleep-driving' after my umpteenth concussion last fall only portents the future I may or not have. The optimism is that every neurological expert we have seen since then stresses that exercise and new experiences create new brain patterns and keeps the mind sharp. So I get to train till I puke. I get to read to the wee hours of the morning with very little fuss. Each practice completed or chapter read may add quality to the years I have left with my beautiful wife.

Thats pretty good advice to just about anyone.

Sidenote: After writing this I went through the archives to hyperlink a 'sleep driving' post because its a term I made up to describe some of the post concussion behavior I had last fall and maybe wouldn't be understood by some people. Turns out, I never wrote one. I certainly had dozens of email exchanges and phone calls with people regarding it but I never described it. Its worthy its own post for another day.

Update: Thanks Amber. Here is the Sleep Driving post.

Bewildered

The last couple of days has been a bit...problematic. Yesterday I could barely have a conversation that didn't involve me having to repeat a sentence two or three times because once again, I kept using the wrong word. When I told Mistress I was going to get my sweaty clothes from my car, I told her I was going to get my groceries out of the car. I told my dad I loved freezer, when I was telling him I loved the steak he made me. I called a good friend by someone else's name while we were talking.

I did a 15 mile desert run yesterday, basically 3x5 mile loop. I have run this route many times. Yet it seemed every time I looked down at the trail or around at the landscape, I was seeing something new. Ultimately I knew to just follow the road straight up to the trailhead and back and couldn't possibly get lost, but sometimes I didn't know where I was. I was glad to be running with Jeff, because I didn't have to worry about putting much thought into it. Run up, run down.

Last night while driving home from my parents with Mo after watching the Super Bowl, I got lost. Twice. They live ten miles west and one mile south of me. Not a lot of turns in that equations.

This morning at work, I have been looking at emails and on simple instructions seeing the exact opposite explanation. When one says, "The number is 10k to low", I read, I need to lower the number another ten grand. Not that I need to increase it that amount. Until the third or forth time I look at it and already made adjustments to other forms.

I am wondering, and this is completely speculative on my part, that increased volume in training above a base level negatively affects my mental routines from my head injuries. I put in almost 20 hours of training last week. When looking back at some of the worst patches of cognitive functioning over the last three years its also during some of the higher build portions of my Ironman training. I mean obviously anyone is going to be tired after a massive amount of training, but I am wondering out loud if my specific cognitive functions are short circuiting because of it. Its hard to express but I mentally feel sharp and alert, I just can't get my thinker and my speaker to hook up 60% of the time.

Thank God its a rest day.

Your just not going to believe this....

I met Mistress at her office to do my swim workout. She was going to coach me on flip turns. I have been doing them off and on at my usual pool but wanted some feedback. So, go to the pro.

See watched from the side and gave me some feedback. I was nervous as I had been practicing off a five foot wall and this was only three. Plus there wasn't the usual lane lines to judge off of. After a half dozen flip turns she told me she was very impressed. When this man's wife says she is impressed with something, I feel pretty good about it. And unfortunately like most men, a little cocky.

Thats when I hit my head on the bottom of the pool doing a flip turn.

I know.

I stood up, holding the top-right of my head and feeling the impact in my jaw, neck and upper back. An immediate headache appeared.

As I look up at Mistress at the edge of the pool she flailing her arms and mid sentence yelling at me, "...not even off a starting block! You're not even using a diving board! You're the only man I know that even swimming is dangerous to your head..."

I just had to laugh. With all we have been through with these traumatic head issues, she gets to see me hit my head in a pool. She finally calls me over and inspects where I am holding my head. "Well I don't see a bump. But with you that doesn't mean anything. Are you okay?"

I felt relatively okay and decided to try some more flip turns but I never completed another. A water aerobics class took up the lanes on the other end so no lap swimming, ergo no endurance workout.

Earlier I got in a great run of 6 miles averaging an 8:20 pace so the entire day wasn't shot.

Now I have popped a couple Tylenol PM and heading to bed. Hoping to stop the headache and muscle soreness I still feel on the right side of my back and neck.

You gotta love this ride...

Forget the straps, wheres my head?

I still have not found any of the three missing Polar HR straps that I was looking for the other day. The good news is that as a formerly sponsored athlete by Polar, I was going through that gear and found a brand new HR strap tucked into one of the watch boxes. Horrah!!!!

Still down three, but now up one. Go figure.

Yesterday started as a good day. Schedule was just one meeting and some follow ups. Had food. Had fluids. By early evening I was driving in a daze, unaware of where I was or how to get home. What happened???

I started to get a headache around mid day, while still in the meeting, pretty much the same debilitating ones I got with my concussion a few weeks back. I started to blink repeatably again. But I then drove to my next appointment and remember finishing that up and leaving about 4:30pm thinking I had to fill up my gas tank.

Next thing I know I have a low gas tank alarm go off and its over an hour later. The headache is worse than ever. But what did I do while I was driving around? I have no clue.

I called Mistress and gave her a heads up. For 20 minutes I drove around looking for an on-ramp to the freeway and ended up driving up to one of my clubs. The distance from where I was at 4:30 and where I ended up at 6:15 is about 8 miles of driving in an area I am normally very familiar with. But based on my gas tank I must have driven around 35 miles.

So I filled up with gas and went into the club and sat down for a while talking to employees. After about an hour, some soda and sugar and lots of advil, I drove home pretty wiped out.

I can only guess that my actions for that time I was driving was much like a sleepwalker. I obviously didn't have any drama to push me out of whatever state I was in, but I certainly didn't have the wherewithal to just pull over or recognize where I was at.

Strange....

Following Follow Up

Well the good news is that I am still a 'High Functioning Idiot'. That's a technical term I am sure.

The doctor said, regarding my tests, that my current concussion and my previous, "quite remarkable history of head injury" does not show any signs of dementia or raise concerns of a degradation of mental capacity from this point. Mistress was pleased to hear that. She was pleased to hear most of what was said.

What caused me some irritation was this talk of depression and perhaps talking medication for that. He would always come back remarking about my ability to cope and function after all that has happened to my head and that depression can be a symptom of repetitive TBI.

After a few of these comments I just had to say, "Look. I know each day is blessing for me. I know I 'm only supposed to be functional 3rd grader. That I should not be married to a wonderful woman and instead being cared for by my parents for the rest of my life. That I should barely be able to walk normally let alone train and compete in Ironman races. I know all that. But I demand more of myself than where I am at right now. I am hard on myself because I expect more of myself. I hold myself to a higher level of expectation because I know how easy it would be for me to be just a common man."

"I think it is normal to be bummed about missing a workout or not meeting expectations in life or work or training. But I am not depressed about it for days on end. My job is all about attention to detail. I own a business that I think should be doing a hell of a lot better than it is right now and yeah that can bum anyone out from time to time."

The doctor asked me a good question. "What is your definition of depression?"

I said after some thought, "I don't know. I don't know because I don't see myself as depressed. Maybe its a fictional description. My illustration of depression is from movies and tv, and I certainly don't fit those prototypes. Sure there are days I don't want to leave the house and just sit on the couch and read or watch movies but I don't lock myself in my room and not come out or stay in bed all day. I don't miss work because life is too hard or not take care of basic hygiene. I don't contemplate hurting myself or act in a manner that pushes away people who love me."

The doctor and Mistress had some talk about my response and my reaction to missing workouts or eating poorly and he asked me another question. "Are you hard on yourself if you don't meet your expectations? Is it okay to not race well and just enjoy the process of the training?"

"Of course," I said. "But if I miss some key workouts I am not going to use that to alibi a poor race. Obstacles face us all the time in life, it doesn't give anyone the right to use that as an excuse to not give it your all at what we do. Its not okay to be unprepared for something and then indignant when there's consequences when doesn't go right."

"I have missed some key bike rides the last three weeks and have an important bike race this weekend. This concussion has not helped my mind or my preparation. I have gone from feeling over prepared to just wanting to finish with a smile on my face and I am okay with that. But I am not going to just not do the race. Or just not give it my best out there. Races, like life, are about overcoming, about finding a way, about having options, about not being a victim."

While I was at conflict with some of what was said, I feel that what I was really interested in, the coping mechanisms and ongoing strategy work, were not being seen as something I really wanted to do. Even as we left Mistress was asking me again if I was interested in some coping therapy or what I have been calling cognitive therapy.

I told her I certainly am. I am not interested in discussing something that I don't believe is helpful to me, (i.e. overemphasis of depression or taking depression medications) but very interested for example in being able to find solutions to get around using the wrong Subject or Noun in a number of my daily conversations. Its frustrating to say to someone, "My keys are in the refrigerator." When I am really trying to say, "The keys are on my desk."

In the end, I am not surprised by the results. Not relieved either. Mistress on the other hand is happy that this last hit to the head hasn't put me closer to becoming a 'vegetable'. I was a bit miffed to hear that the effects of a concussion can last for a couple of months. That didn't help my attitude towards the constant headaches and extra sleeping I am doing every day. I figured about a week. Oh well.

I am a bit flummoxed about how so little of the initial conversations with the two doctors, note taking and testing was spent discussing or discovering depression yet so much of the results today had that word in it. Not that the results showed I am depressed, or I see myself as depressed, but that Mistress had questions about my attitude after not meeting my expectations during our original meeting with a cognitive therapist a few months back. Now it seems treatment for it might be a good thing.

So maybe I am too hard on myself. Is it that uncommon in these days to have big goals and do everything possible even through adversity to accomplish them? Maybe it is. But if being depressed means I am disappointed in my achievements and that helps me to do better the next time I attempt something, (like say trying to beat my time in a race) then I will accept that. I would rather be depressed about my efforts many times and yet ultimately reach my goal and be extremely happy in the end, than be constantly happy about accomplishing nothing.

In the end while I didn't agree with all that was said about my mental state, I was happy that most of it came back with me quite average in my results. A good baseline with which to test against in the future if need be and a modest plan to help me out.

I probably don't need a helmet for things like 4x4ing in SUV's, or short course bouldering or going through modest rapids while fishing. And although I didn't ask, I suppose the answer would have been, "It wouldn't hurt." I still may start a trend. Its good insurance.

Follow Up

This afternoon Mistress and I have my follow up at the neurologists. It won't be a long meeting, less than a hour, but I am hoping it sets up my base line for future testing.

I have no idea what will occur but I am hoping the follow up will include a strategy with a cognitive therapist to reset my routines.

After this last concussion, its quite apparent that my neural paths are not remembering things correctly on normal, unconscious routines.

Will follow up with you fine people. Tomorrow I travel to Tuck-san for the ride.

Back on the Trainer

Well last night I did 90 minutes on the trainer, on my road bike, with no headaches, no body aches. Good sign.

You would think, I would think, that a 'simple' concussion would run its course within a week. Yet here I am day 7 still not sure how much longer I will sleep than normal and not really sure what is going to come out of my mouth.

My normal 6 hours of sleep is still in the 7.5 or more range. I have not mollified any one person today with the words coming out of my mouth but I have certainly startled some of our new employees going through our university in the room next door with humor and language more akin to my time in the jungle than my position within the business they are joining.

Today I am not so much worried about the sleep and the impulsivity of my language as I am about my unconscious eating. Normally kept in check with my willpower, that vital energy is now directed to other functions and I could eat for hours and never feel full. I have easily put on weight in the last week.

At least the race this weekend has focused my nutrition better and it should pull me through this last few days before hopefully a complete recovery.

And yes I may be putting a nice helmet on my Christmas this year.

Half way there

Only six hours of testing and all is done. Its hard to believe how such simple questions can toss you for a loop. Unfortunately there was not enough time to go through results so I have to wait till next week.

I have tried a couple of times to explain in this paragraph what I did today. The testing was long, somewhat boring. I missed some obvious things.

I look forward to trying to get some training done this weekend.

See you on the flip side.

Test day

Mistress was able to move up my neurology appointment to this morning. She is not sure if this is just a meet & greet or the whole day of testing I am supposed to do.

I do feel better this morning. Of course I haven't left the house yet so we will see how the driving in rush hour goes. Lucky me I get to follow it all the way downtown and the snowbirds are back clogging the roads. Whether its my head or the other drivers, I swear people are swerving into my lane trying to merge where I am at and swerving back at the last minute when they see a car driving there.

This week has been an obvious bust in training. The swimming and running have been going great its the cycling that is concerning me. I have my first event next week and its a 109 mile bike. I am supposed to get 90 in this weekend and it would surely build my confidence after this week but in speaking with training mentors I am only shooting for 50 miles or 3 hours riding total. Hard to say how the workout is going to go at that point.

Will probably post later tonight when I get home from the doctors.

When will it be over

I am functioning, but not functional.

My freaking right eye will. not. stop. blinking.

And I am tired.

And. I am still a bit slow on the draw.

After 48 hours you would think I would be completely recovered. But alas that is not the case. Yesterday and now today I am leaving early to work from home. I am also trying to not drive in any rush hour traffic.

Thanks again to everyone who has left me comments. I really appreciate them and responded to around 30 yesterday when I was up. I do try to respond to every comment I get.

Still Here

Hi ya'll. (Crap I watched way to much E! Channel Britney Spears coverage yesterday). I am still here and know who I am. All positive news. I am moving a bit slow today, but otherwise fine. Skipped the 16 mile run scheduled for 5:30 this morning. Hope everyone is okay with that.

Dad picked me up to take me to work as my car was still there. We made a stop at Bass Pro Shop and Cracker Barrel. Had never eaten there and had biscuits and gravy for the first time in about a decade. The doctor said to take it easy for the next couple days so I am going the way of the Common Man.

On a lighter note about my concussion yesterday, I would like to give you some examples of how it affected me.

I left my house key in the lock when I left the house in the morning. Mistress found it later in the day. Whew.

I think I have mentioned in the past that head injuries make you susceptible to suggestion; well after several hours of tv in my exam room I had a overwhelming desire to eat pizza and popcorn for dinner after seeing multiple commercials for those products all day long.

I had bouts of amnesia during the ER visit. They would ask me a question, "did you throw up" and I would answer "yes". Then I would turn around and ask them how they knew that I had thrown up and they would tell me they just asked me.

I kept answering "yes" to questions, so Mistress asked if she could pull up the carpet and lay wood flooring. I said, "yes", not even realizing what she asked me. She felt guilty and told me about it later.

Well those were 'funny' to me. I can't live like I would never get a hit to the melon again and be in constant fear. Careful, yes. I just didn't think that my next concussion would be self induced. Bike accident, car accident, accidental rough housing all likely candidates. Hitting my head on a hanging candle holder, not so much on the list. I just didn't have the court awareness I should have.

That'll happen. Thanks again for all your support out there. It has been a great comfort to me.

Head Injury update

Just got released from the hospital. I have about five minutes before Mistress gets home with my pain killers and she won't let me use the pc when she gets home.

I am concussed. The CT scan came back good, so no bleeding or cracked skull. Failed the motor skills and verbal tests though. I have some moments I will share later that may make you laugh or think I am a really screwed up dude. But I hear self-deprecating humor is big right now.

This concussion makes it an unofficial bakers dozen (13) by my counts. Funny how all this really just piled up from the routines needing help to the neurologist to the 'reverse headache' yesterday and now this.

I was talking to Jeff, my training partner, and his son who is a high school quarterback probably gets six or seven hits a game that are harder than the one I gave myself today. It goes to show just how progressive multiple concussions to the head and other TBI's can affect a person.

I'm going to lay down now. Thanks so much for the kind comments earlier.

Adding Injury to Injury

I wrote a pretty personal post last night about dealing with head injury's. Then this morning while my bike was leaned up against a wall, I leaned over it and hit my forehead really hard against the edge of a wrought iron candle display hanging higher up the wall.

It knocked me on my ass but I didn't pass out. Mistress was there to help me. I made it to work OK but still feel a little woozy and nauseous, my eyes are a bit unfocused (I've had to increase the font size and screen % so far today). After a quick ten minute meeting, I had to go outside and throw up a couple times.

I don't think I have another concussion. I think I just rung my bell really hard....wait one...

...I just got up to go to the locker room to see if I have a mark on my forehead and realized I can't walk straight without focusing on the lines in the tile. Left to my own gait, I veer right. I did a couple of laps up and down in my hallway and every time no matter where I started walking, I veered right.

I think this is going to be very short day. And I have another call to Mistress to make.

Update 10:18: Mistress called the neurologist to confer my symptoms. She is now coming to take me to the ER.

My Head Injury

This is the most intensely personal story I have ever written about my life, but its not a secret. I have been open about this in my real life because I think hope is a power thing. Its easier to say than write and have been crafting this post for about six months. Its hard to put all the details into a single post and for each incident I include I have ten more that I want to put in. Ultimately I did not know when I should or if I could ever post this but I think if I can talk about this in real life, I can do it online. I also thought that I would not leave my computer, waiting for comments and with being in Mexico for the weekend, there is no way I can look at e-mail until Monday.

I woke up on November 8, 1986, sixteen years old and a scoundrel. I wasn't a bad kid. I wasn't a good one either. I was the kind that like to get things started. I had popular friends, the smart ones in my high school class, because they I knew I could get them in just enough mischief that they could stay out of trouble and have a great story to tell their other smarty friends. I also had friends that were true trouble makers that did actually get themselves in trouble.

That night was a sleep over for a youth group I was in and some of us in the afternoon were getting food for the party. I volunteered because there was an election coming up for the head of the chapter and I wanted the title officially. At that point in my life I craved power and through reputation, fear and intimidation I was rising to the top in my region. I was the de facto leader for the same reasons the popular kids liked me, I could appeal to peoples base emotions, but these kids knew the other side of me too, the part that backed up the threats and taunts. I protected them from others by sticking up for them in back alleys and the dark hallways of organized meetings. I gained their respect by defending them from bullys. Probably the same kind of guy's I was capable of being except I was on their side.

But that afternoon I was in a car accident. A woman driving too fast slammed into the back of my friends car, of which I was in the back seat. When I came too, the cars had been pushed into a parking lot and some men were pulling with all their might to open the back doors. I am told that my mother driving behind us took us all to the ER and after looking at the large bump on the back of my head they gave me two tylenol for my headache, a free ice pack and a swift kick out the door.

Later that night at the sleep over I am told I was starting to act funny. I would be fine and normal and then pass out, waking up only after being slapped awake. I complained of headaches, severe ones. I left early and drove home.

When I woke up the next morning I didn't know who I was or where I was. My mom and brother took me to the hospital were I stayed for a while, unable to move because I had suddenly lost all feeling in my body and couldn't communicate with the doctors.

The first x-ray discovered that I had a massive whiplash. The vertebrae in my neck had been spun 180 degrees from normal. This also caused my trapezius to swell and gave me decreased blood flow and impulse to my body. I had become temporarily paralyzed. After several days and super high doses of demerol right into my neck I was able to regain control of my body.

The real damage was the closed head injury to my brain. Actually this was my second brain injury. My first was an open head injury I got in a backyard fight. To stop me, the other guy grabbed the first thing he could reach and then he drove it into the top of my head as hard as he could. Unfortunately for me he used a garden hoe which is essentially a solid rake and he split my skull wide open with it.

When the hospital finally scanned my brain after the car accident they saw that underneath the little bump they dismissed the day before was a massive concussion, contusions and multiple subdural hematomas, which were all causing acute brain bleeding and swelling. As it swelled up it put pressure on my skull and it wasn't going to give so the damage 'rolled' back and created more damage in my brain. This is why closed head injuries are more damaging than open head injury's, the trapped pressure can cause more long term problems.

As a result the left and right sides of my brain stopped communicating. I lost higher brain functions like the ability to read, write, type, walk, talk, remember how to tie my shoes, who I or my family was let alone my friends were. My voluntary and sensory information; the ability to learn and process, my long and short term memory, my ability to be an individual were all stripped away. Mentally and emotionally I suffered from a type of amnesia which is now called traumatic retrograde amnesia. (each word is helpful link)

It was explained that the body sought a way to relieve the pressure on the brain and it moved down my brain stem and through my spine but that was a mess from the whiplash. The blackouts I had the first night were just the beginning of many years of what turned out to be seizures my brain would have from all the electrical disconnect and pain it suffered. While new pathways were created between my brain thanks to therapists, it didn't help the actual brain heal any faster.

Of course the whole story I just related to you is all second hand. I still have no personal memory of my life from birth until about two months after the accident and its a mishmash for about another year. My entire childhood is an oral history like you would read about somebody elses life accomplishments in a museum.

I was never close to physical death but I felt I was given another life. I believe to this day that God had a plan for me and he gave me the shove I needed because I had closed myself off to his voice. He gave me a second chance and though I have made mistakes in the last twenty years, I have made amends to my former life and rebalanced my enternal soul ten-fold.

Its wasn't an easy road though. I had all kinds of people working on me; chiropractors, physical therapists, cognitive therapists, neurologists, psychologists. I was a mess. The M.D.'s told my parents that at best case I would be the mental and emotional level of a third grader and to be prepared to care for me the rest of their lives. Expectations were that I would be physically impaired from brain damage and I probably never talk or walk normal again. The head doc's wanted me commited because I was having some very serious psychotic issues and I did spend a very brief time 'under supervision'.

On the day of my accident I had a girlfriend. She dumped me. A former girlfriend whom I openly fought with and who was abusive to me, came to my aid with a change of heart. Lots of friends came to my aid teaching me basic skils and manners through my recovery process. After school these people would come to my house to stretch me out and take me for short teetering walks to the end of our cul-de-sace and back. Then I would go from one home to the other, each person teaching me another valuable lesson. One taught me to read, another to write, another manners and how to control myself. My mother was a Montessori teacher at the time and I was basically a new student to her. My brother had me watch my favorite movies over and over because I alway forgot that I had just watched them. I was taught to be kind and gentle and have compassion. Maybe that was from God, I don't know.

I had no short or long term memory for many months. In the beginning my short term memory was clocked at 1 second and my long term at 4 seconds. I began to function better but everything had to be written down. Some people wish an experience they had was put into a move. I think I got that in a Harrison Ford movie called Regarding Henry. Its almost too scary how well it captured my post injury experience and I can't get through it without great emotional distress. If you want to truly see what I went through relating to my family and my conversion from ass to affable after my accident watch it.

I learned to live by routine. Almost too much so. I could not drive anymore, I had forgot and the seizure didn't allow relearning for some time, so I took the bus to school. The bus would show up at 7:30am and it was a 1/4 mile straight down the street so I could remember that. I would show up at 7:20am. This meant I would get up at 6:30, shower, eat my toast and hot chocolate and slowly walk there.

Many times I would wake up, look at my clock and see it was half past then go through my routine. I would leave on time, walk to the bus stop and wait from 20 after till 45 after and walk home. I would go to my parents room, knock on their door and tell my mom the bus did not show up and would need a ride to school. She would then say to me, "Honey its 4 o' clock in the morning. Go sit in the kitchen I'll be right there." Sometimes this was earlier or later in the night.

I would not see the hours, just the minutes, because I was on a routine. I would not notice that it was pitch dark outside and that I was the only one standing on a corner for almost a half hour when a dozen kids should be there. It was frustrating, especially when I kept doing it over and over and over. One of me earlier memories is sitting in my parents bathroom crying uncontrollably because I was getting better but my mind still played this particularly cruel time trick on me.

For a long time mom would ask me to do something, a chore or move an object, and I would just stare at her blankly. She would ask if I understood her and I would say yes but my mind could not take the thought and make it an action. I knew she wanted me to, for example, move my shoes but thought stopped there. It would never occur to me to actually get up and move my shoes.

I had a brain scan that showed my brain waves were reversed. Brains do not have nerves so they feel no pain, but they know when they are overloaded. The seizures were my brains way of shutting itself off due to overload. I used to have seizures multiple times a day and then after about six years I was and am down to once or twice a year. This is some of the most intense pain I have ever felt. I can feel it come on and found that only complete sensory deprivation works. I put plugs in my ears, blind fold my eyes and lay in a half full tub of water for hours just so I can't hear or see anything.

I never lost my license to drive but I wasn't allowed to for a long time. The first time I was allowed to go by myself my parents proudly stood at the top of the stairs of the house watching me drive down to the bus stop and back, just a straight shot. I had a seizure, passed out and drove the car head on into a car parked on the other side of the street. Many months later I drove a friend home and had a seizure, I drove up into someones yard. I came to with her screaming hysterically. Usually the fastest way to get me out of a seizure was to slap my face. I think she was kicking my ass from the passenger seat. But she was one of the best friends I had through my recovery and I owe her a lot.

None of the teachers at school or students other than my friends really understood or cared about my new problem. I was now a Special Kid but had built a reputation for myself at the school and was treated as a fraud, or with apathy or was abused. Those that disliked me took great pleasure in pointing me in the wrong direction when I had lost my way in the halls, made fun of me for being slow and sometimes pummeling me. How wonderful that these are some of my first new memories.

My entire personality was altered. I went from being left handed to being right handed. I lost the ability to smell. I began to talk differently. Instead of a swagger I tripped over myself. Instead of a confident voice, I talked with my head down and with great pauses and I would forget what I was going to say or where I was going with a statement or sentence.

I became very susceptible to suggestion, a trait with head injury recipients. When this became known, a cruel joke was played on me at a high school party. It was on a house boat and someone who wanted to make fun of me, told me to jump in the lake. I did. I didn't know how to swim and had to be rescued. That was when people started to take my transformation seriously and all my excursions were monitored.

Sometimes it makes me very sad that my first memories are not playing with my parents at the beach or a birthday party or taking a family trip or even sitting in a class room. Its being made a complete fool of. Its being helpless, knowing I am helpless and falling for every stupid line that came my way.

When I started to get my life back together I was instructed to collect as much information about myself as I could from people. I was told truthful things about myself that my new personality found repulsive. I was told lies that I believed for many years and only through collaboration with true friends did I realize I was not the complete monster and degenerate I thought I was. In the end people were more happy with me the way I turned out than the way I was going and that was fine by me. I owe a lot of people for the person I am today.

I recovered so well from such a traumatic event and could verbalize my progression so I was put in a position to speak to families on behalf of victims which generally had a brain injury or aneurysm. I would simply tell this story to them and they would weep from the familiarity and the hope I gave them of a full recovery for their loved one. I gave them incite on what their loved one was going through and helped with the coping process.

I could also talk to the victims and be a voice of commonality to them. I still do it now and then. Many of us have similar challenges and I know that I very easily could today be a person of diminished capacity and walk with difficulty and need to wear a helmet in case I fell. My heart breaks when I encounter these people and it just brings to light how lucky I am. I often times refer to myself as the 'Mayor of Simpleton' because I don't feel any different than those that didn't recover like me, that I don't deserve to be as smart and physically strong as I am. That I was given a gift and even though I try my best I still don't know if I have earned it. When Tom Hanks uttered those words, "Earn this," in Saving Private Ryan, I thought he was talking to me directly.

Today it doesn't matter who I was before the accident. I don't like that person. Today I have no emotional connectivity to my youth. Over time I created a new family dynamic with my parents and brother. I am now living my forgotten childhood through my sons eyes. Mom says we are very much alike. Someday I will relate how I met Mistress post accident, but her brothers and especially her parents remember knew me pre-accident and they did everything possible to keep us apart. It took them years, literally a decade to begin to trust me.

I proved all the doctors wrong when I progressed from a third grade mentality to actually graduating (with help) from college. Today it would be hard to know I ever had to learn to read again. I learned to walk again, then run. I taught myself to swim at 22 and Mistress taught me to ride a bike at 29.

I joined the Army a couple years after the accident and wouldn't you know it, I had just enough smarts to make it into the infantry. It's not like they needed anyone smart, a score of 30 out of 120 got you in and I was told what to do every minute of my life. But I had learned to memorize really fast and every year I became more functional as a person and pretty soon I moved up through the ranks going to OCS and becoming an officer in the Infantry.

Over the course of six years I had a complete physical recovery from the accident. Mentally I had overcome a lot of obstacles. Emotionally and rationally I was still a traumitized person unable to communicate well with new people on a human level or engage in any type of relationship with women that didn't end badly. I was damaged goods. I kept pushing myself farther away from people until I ended up in Guam. Geographically and symbolically Guam is the middle of nowhere and yet I found that away from all distractions I could finally hear the voice in my head and over the course of one year vowed to become a hermit and lay the foundation for the rest of my life.

I did not drink. I did not date. I took a vow of celibacy, which was not difficult since I decided that I would not even talk to women unless I had to conduct business with them like at the bank or store. There was no women on my base. I pulled missions at work and on my free time I drove to an old abandoned Spanish fort, Fort Nuestra Senora de la Soledad, put my back against the building, looked at the ocean and for hours wrote in a journal about who I wanted to become politically, emotionally, financially, intellectually and spiritually. A few years and hundreds of hours later I came back to the states a much better person.

In the twenty years since my accident, I have carried 100 pound ruck sacks in triple canopy jungle, I have done running races and body building contests. I power lifted for a couple years and was also a decent rock climber. I finished an Ironman. Since the car accident I have had a dozen concussions, over half have knocked me unconscious. They say, more you have the easier they are to get. I can never participate in team athletics again, not even a pick up basketball game or touch football. Any serious hit to the head and it could be devastating. I have to call my wife when I hit my head in case something goes wrong a few hours later.

I still suffer from the head injury in other ways. Those that know me best, see the problems I have with conversation and speech; mostly that my mind will insert a completely different word into a sentence and when Mistress asks if I have seen her keys and I respond, "They're in the refrigerator, " she knows to ask again. I have a lot of pauses in my speech pattern because I can't think of the right word and know the one in my head is not right. It has taken me hours to write this post and most of my daily writings take a long time as well. Dictionary.com is always up to make sure I spell correctly. When I am tired and my mental guard is down I have a hard time driving or making decisions about simple things. I have impulse control issues and say and do things that I later wonder why I did it. I finish a lot of phone calls wondering why I said something the way I did.

I am a lucky guy. I am blessed. I don't deserve the gifts I have been given and try to use my experiences to help others with their own challenges. I wouldn't be able to write this entry if it wasn't for my mother and those friends I had who did so much for me in the beginning. Thats maybe why I try to be such a fervent friend. I have a wife who understands and knows me from before the accident and after it. She sees the confusion in my face caused by a mind that sometimes doesn't grasp a simple concept and helps me through it.

I know that there is something inside me that helped overcome my head injury. A supernatural power, a touch from God at that point in my life, a tenacity to never quit or give up in the face of adversity. Its more than optimism. I see optimism's in the faces of all those head injury victims who did not recover as successfully as I did. I see their open smiles and their distant eyes and hear a speech pattern that for a time was my own. I try to reach out to them and say, "Its okay man, I know what your going through, how can I help." But more often than not I just choke back my tears and try to treat them like a real person of value, accepted by society and full of the promise they had before their accident. Just like I want to be.