through the clouds

Personal Note: I wrote this stream of conscious. More like a dumping of thoughts than a cogent post, looking for that spark that would guide the daily discussion I wanted to address. In the end its whats on my mind and I let it out. I have hovered over the 'delete' button many times considering how this would come across if I did release it to the world. Its not a post theme I usually take. Nor think that anyone would be interested in reading. On the other hand, it may resonate completely with the fears we all hold in our real lives.
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I have things on my mind that I know if talked to my mom today I would have to address. And I don't want to. I am very confused about that. I'm not in a bad place with mom, in fact I have a great relationship with her. But I have been avoiding her. Sorry mom. Its true. You want to congratulate me and show me love and I don't feel worthy of it.

There are things in my life that I am still coming to terms with that scare the bejesus out of me. Some of this I write about on the blog. Some of this I have not. But I will. Its invevitable. And you may congratulate me too, even if I don't think I want to hear it.

Normally I am such an optimistic person. And for the most, in all honesty, issues I have today are not nearly as negative or permanent as what many people are going through today in this country. Which is why am conflicted about feeling the way I do. Why should I feel low, or full of trepidation? I have an income. I have a house. I have a strong marriage and good son. I have friends. I get pleasure from a great many things. Just yesterday I reconnected with a female friend from high school that helped me with my head injury. I hadn't talked to her in maybe 15 years. That gave me such joy. Just out of the blue.

Yet my insides are all screwed up. I feel paralyzed with many feelings and emotions that I suppose when their all distilled down equal fear. And in a world where I was once three steps ahead I suddenly find myself needing to engage tremendous energy to make one move just to catch up with where I really should be.

I don't feel depressed, more fatigued. Like I am one step slower. I don't feel discouraged, more sorry for not being the whole, engaged person I need to be for Mistress. I have talked to her about this, all this crappola I have created around me, and she has been the strength and support I have needed.

Its a facade I suppose in the way my day carry's on. I have my smile and blame the creases in my forehead along with the rubbing of my temples on the very real and painfull detox I am going through with my kidneys. I continue to encourage people and inspire them, but feel like a hypocrite. I am writing and saying to them what I want to hear myself. Like an affirmation, say it enough and it will come true. Encourage enough people and you will be encouraged yourself.

The people I have reached out to recently like my dad, my godfather, my friend Greg, have reminded me that life is ephemeral and if we don't prepare ourselves every day for the negative things we will see and feel, we will always be drifting downwards. That darkness can never defeat love, kindness, goodness and fun when you remember thats what really important for a beautiful life and share it with others.

I have been ignoring myself or stuck paralyzed unable to react. Not being the man of action I usually am. Someone who runs into the breach, seizing the day and throttling it.

I guess I need to talk to my mom..."Hello. Mom its me..."