Say Again. Again.

Things have been really good at Casa de Comm's. Training and work for the most part have been exciting. Our family has been spending some quality time together and bonding really well.

Unfortunatley I have been having some problems with this old head of mine. The last year or so my short term memory has gotten worse. My word recall has gotten to the point that people who don't know of my condition ask me if I am okay. Even people who do know of the ongoing obstacles have confessed that my conversation patterns and word usage has degraded. A halting speech pattern I thought I overcame a decade ago has returned. But if nothing else, I have some really funny anecdote's.

It certainly takes me longer to write cogent blog posts and important business letters than it did a year ago. (Upon personal approval of this post it took 2.5 hours to draft and proof before upload).

Today we had a company meeting. In two separate conversations, I called two people I talk to everyday by different names after we had already been talking. They sort of noticed that. Another was an employee whom I have known for five years, I forgot her name. Complete blank. She asked me to change a number in her stats (which I update at the end of each month) and I just couldn't remember her name. Luckily we were in my office and I have prepared for such mental lapses by having every employees name written on my office walls and once I found her club, I was able to recall her on the board and she never noticed.

Mistress and I are having communication problems. Not in that we yell and argue, hardly, but more along the lines of her not being able to express what she is doing in ways I will understand and me processing what she is telling me. Part of this is the normal loss of clarity between a couple that has been married for ten years and quite normal I think. I mean c'mon, do you really hear everything that your spouse says to you? Exactly. Not long ago, my mom noticed a change and mentioned it to Mistress who validated her concerns. They have been working together to find some solutions for me.

She has also noticed me more depressed this year. I certainly have my down moments, which I attribute to Ironman training, long work hours and such. I have been around people who are depressed and I most certainly have never seen myself in that light. I have always tried to maintain a sunny disposition. Some of it I think I can dismiss as presumptive on her part, but I think it's easier for her to see this in me, than I in myself. No one wants to be called depressed and I certainly don't think I act that way.

But I myself began looking towards some answers over the last few months. I was especially interested in recent studies on retired NFL players who have suffered repetitive concussions and traumatic brain injuries and now in their late 40's and 50's are entering into greater numbers not only into depression but Alzheimer's and Dementia which statically people do not enter until their 70's.

Mistress, with my support and blessing, was able to schedule an appointment for us this week with a doctor who specialized in neurological issues from head injuries. In the last two decades the profession of head injury has flourished. Back when I got mine, serious head injuries were really not taken, well seriously. That has changed. We are hoping that I can sort of get a 'Tune Up' on my cognitive abilities and learn some new techniques for retrieving words and names from my head.

Well that got rescheduled due to Mistress being pretty sick from a sinus infection she picked up in Seattle last week. I thought of going alone but I really need her testimony about my changes and have my degeneration come from someone who has witnessed them. I mean are you going to take the word of someone with a head injury on how they have changed? Didn't think so.

What I am confronted with, and perhaps for the first time, is that while I am a miracle recovery of traumatic brain injury and it makes for a funny and interesting lifestory; I have not recognized or admitted that some daily challenges exist that I have only faked my way through, dismissed concern about or created routines to overcome.

This is by no means a post about depressing or evil things. I am excited about life. Loving my training. Looking forward to some big happenings at work by the end of the year. I am actually looking forward to getting some help coping with my cognitive functions. If for nothing else than to be able to say what I say without worrying if what I said made any sense.

That make sense?